The Unexpected Gift of Silence

How Silence and Solitude Has Brought Healing and a Path of Well-Being

I've just returned from a silent retreat, and the experience was truly life-changing. For years, I had been searching for a deeper sense of peace and a way to heal from past hurts. I want to share the story of how I stumbled upon this path of silence and solitude, and the four profound lessons that helped me find a new kind of spiritual healing.

From Legalism to Delight: The Sabbath's True Meaning

It all started with a book on the Sabbath. Now, given the legalism I've come out of, you might be wondering why I'd even read a book about the Sabbath. But this one was by Dan Allender, and I knew I could trust that his perspective wouldn't be legalistic. I had heard him talk about dancing with his wife on Sunday afternoons to 60s music and truly enjoying life, so his book made me curious. What would this man say about the Sabbath?

The book did not disappoint. He revealed how God delighted in the Sabbath and how our Sabbath should mirror His. Delight was not a concept I had ever attached to the Sabbath. In fact, I had gotten in trouble after my husband died for taking my kids out for lunch on a Sunday afternoon. While I had long since walked away from the people who tried to hold me captive on Sundays, I also knew there was a promise in God’s word (Isaiah 58:13). He would make me "ride on the heights of the Earth and feed me with the heritage of Jacob." I don't know exactly what that means, but it sounds wonderful, and I wanted that for myself.

I began thinking about the concept of delight on the Sabbath. What made me feel alive and whole? High-level worship on Sunday with others, having lunch with my daughter at a restaurant on the water, and ending the day with a beautiful movie that showed the goodness of life and had a great story. Sometimes, it was a delicious nap; other times, I walked by the water for an hour or so. Whatever I did, I enjoyed knowing God had given it to me, and I invited Him to come with me on each adventure.

Finding a Path to Silence

This started me on a trajectory of reading other authors on the Sabbath, which is how I stumbled upon Ruth Haley Barton, who writes on topics including retreat, silence, and solitude. I was so drawn to these ideas and tried to practice them on my own from the descriptions in her books.

Then, one magnificent day, it dawned on me that I could look for her website. And to my delight, there was an offering for a retreat where silence and solitude would be practiced. I jumped in with both feet, signing up for 27 months of nine retreats. I waited with rapt anticipation for the day I would board the airplane to Chicago for my very first silent retreat.

Ruth Haley Barton uses an illustration of being like river water in a jar that is so shaken up you can’t see through it. She encouraged us to settle down, let the sediment settle, so we could see what was in the water—meaning, to see what was truly going on inside us. As I calmed my soul during that first silent retreat, I realized there was still so much healing to be done. My church, which had been a true safe space for me, had just imploded. I had just broken an engagement, and July was approaching. For those who don’t know, my husband of nearly 20 years died suddenly in a car accident on July 7, 2011.

As that date approaches, we remember those final precious days with Phil. While we didn’t know they were our last, God did, and He made them special. We had celebrated the 4th with our church family, enjoyed a picnic, spent time with our closest friends, and cherished our lovely children—with no idea what the next days would hold.

When I arrived at the retreat, I was broken-hearted in so many areas. I had also just decided to return to school for my doctorate, which was a bit daunting since I had finished my master's feeling completely burned out and experiencing symptoms of depression. I knew if I didn't want to finish my doctorate burned out, my lifestyle had to change.

Many of us have had seasons—sometimes extended ones—of physical exhaustion, emotional overwhelm, and cognitive overload, just as I was experiencing when I arrived at the retreat center.

Photo by Michael Held on Unsplash

The Power of Rest: Self-Care and Sleep

Take a few minutes and notice what you are feeling in your body. Is your body well? Is it energized to do what God has given you to do? If not, perhaps it's time to start taking better care of it.

This is one area we don’t often hear about when we're in legalism. We might have been told to eat well, which often meant taking away everything that tasted good and beating our bodies into submission. This philosophy is actually harmful, and self-care is so much more needed. Have you ever thought about these ideas through the lens of 1 Timothy 4:1-5? Paul actually warns that false teachers will forbid marriage and certain foods.

But that’s not my main point today.

Today, I want to share some ways that silence and solitude helped me. These are such healthy practices.

BUT FIRST, PLEASE, DO NOT FORCE YOUR KIDS TO BE SILENT. If you have children or teens, yes, you need some times of solitude and maybe silence, but practices like this should be done because they are delightful and should never be used to pressure others.

A basic element at the retreat was sleeping. Take a nap. This can even be done if you have little ones. Ask your bigger kids to do something fun in their room or on their bed, and then take a nap, read, or do something else you would enjoy during your little one's nap time. This can make all the difference in the afternoon and evening. I'm in a season of life where I can be more flexible about what I choose to do for self-care, but when I was a mom, I found rest during nap time.

Going away for a rest is absolutely delightful. After my first retreat, I left without any knots in my neck or shoulders, and they didn’t come back for a while. I was also able to reflect deeply after a few retreats, and let that jar of water, which was like me, settle so I could see what was going on inside.

4 Ways Silence and Solitude Helped Me Heal

Let’s talk about some helpful things I learned.

1. Taking a walk can clear your mind and calm your soul. As a trauma-informed counselor, I know that this allows your body to use up adrenaline and other stress hormones that may have been released during stressful times, and it gives your mind some time to quiet down.

2. Sometimes, as I breathe and walk or sit, I say a prayer with the rhythm of my breath. My personal breath prayer is "Be still." I know the rest of the verse says, "and know that I am God," but I only say "Be" on my inhale and "Still" on my exhale. And then I do it again and again. I breathe deeply and exhale forcefully until my body calms down.

3. I learned to take every emotion, difficulty, and care to Jesus. I usually do this in my journal. The most effective way I've found is by writing as if I were telling someone who knows nothing about the issues or circumstances I am experiencing. I know that God knows, even better than I do, but by writing it all down, it lets my heart quiet down. Often, the Holy Spirit shows me things as I write that I didn't see before, which sometimes leads me to an answer. Other times, it simply ends with my writing, "I trust you with this, Lord."

   • So many times, we don't take our difficulties to God. Instead, we bury them. Maybe we don't even mean to, but by not telling Him, other things can begin to happen, and pretty soon, the issue is buried deeply, which means one day it will pop up again.

These are some of the ways I've processed my hurts, decisions, difficulties, and joys since my husband died. Every day, he and I would sit in our hunter-green chairs and talk about what was happening. We would work out problems during these times, express what hurts we were dealing with, and figure out our next steps. Since I am not married or have a significant other, I highly value sorting these things out with God. He always helps me in some way. And if I ever have another significant person, there is no way I will give up this part of my relationship with God, which I believe is a good thing.

My husband and I were very close. Even today, for most situations, I know what he would do, and I try to make decisions based on that information because he was a wise man. But I believe that in some ways, I made him an idol.

Breaking Free from Patriarchy and Spiritual Abuse

Bill Gothard taught that wives should listen to their husbands in a way that took away the wife’s ability to think for herself, process with God, and feel like she was part of the decision-making process. Phil wouldn't hear of me not thinking with him. And I am so grateful. But for some of you who have been in controlling marriages, your husband wanted you not to think and just do what he wanted you to do.

I want to remind you: You are smart. I know that because I know the God who made you. He formed you so that you were capable of thinking and making decisions. You are not evil because you are a woman. That is a lie of patriarchy trying to keep women under their husbands’ thumbs. Jesus didn't deal with women like they were incapable of making decisions; in fact, sometimes, He even changed His mind because of a woman. For example, the Gentile woman who asked Him to take the demon from her daughter.

God made us so that we can think, choose, and make decisions. Many times, without a woman’s voice, men create an atmosphere that is lacking in various ways.

I want you to remember that you are loved dearly by God.

There’s a psychologist I listen to from time to time, Dr. Allison Cook. Recently, she interviewed Rachael Clinton Chen, who is an expert on spiritual abuse. I will share the podcast in my show notes, because the information they share could be so helpful if you are or have been in a spiritually abusive place.

Rachel quotes Dr. Allison Cook, “All trauma causes you to question your worth. But spiritual trauma adds the terrorizing layer that God might question your worth, too.”

I want you to remember that God values you. He has things for you to do that only you can do best. He loves you exceedingly, steadfastly, and everlastingly.

He wants to have a relationship with you. A real relationship where He communicates with you, leads and guides you, and is part of your daily life. Legalism steals the understanding that God is already pleased with us because of the work that Jesus did for us, and now we can have a vibrant relationship with Him.

Play as the Opposite of Depression

Dan Allender, who I mentioned earlier, says that the opposite of depression is play. That’s right, play. So let’s talk about play for a minute. Play is when you are so caught up in what you’re doing that you lose track of time, might not notice what is happening around you, and your mind is resting. When was the last time you played?

Adult play can be different from a child’s play, so I thought I would share some of the ways that I play.

1. Go for a walk by the glistening water and keep my eyes on the sun dancing on the water as it rolls.

2. I find a creative endeavor, like painting, sewing, decorating, or organizing my books (only books, nothing else), and I let my mind rest while I engage in those things.

3. Sometimes, I play in a different way. My second daughter taught me to go on a "date with God." I love this because it means I have set aside time to be with Him. He will show up. You will have to be aware, but He will. Once, I went to a bookstore with Him. I talk to Him in my mind just like I would talk with another person. I still have the cup that I felt like He gave me the freedom to buy, and I still have the book. When God speaks, it isn’t usually an audible voice, but it is often something I would not think on my own, and I can feel His presence. I felt like I should buy a book, and immediately I said, “No, that’s just me wanting a book.” But He brought it back to my mind again. The book I ended up getting was called Do It Afraid. It was one of the most impactful books I have read in the past decade.

4. Go to the beach and just sit with Him. Sometimes, I sit quietly, and sometimes, I listen to music or read. But He always shows up in some way—encouraging me or showing me something I had not seen before. Or telling me to do whatever it was, even if I was afraid. It happened to be my doctorate, and I can see now that it was the best path for me, and for you, the people I serve.

Reclaiming Your Peace

So, find ways to rest, be silent even if it's only for a few minutes, find solitude, and play. After we have left legalism, it is vital that we work on our relationship with God because we have been told that we don’t matter to Him, and nothing could be further from the truth. He loves you with an everlasting love. Be like David, King David from the Old Testament, and spend time with Him. I haven’t mentioned things not to do, but let’s just add that if you have been beat over the head with scripture, so you take some time to read other things or just sit with Him, it’s okay. This might be the season for that. Have you ever considered that not every generation since the beginning of time had a Bible in hand to read on a daily basis, and they were still followers of Jesus? He still loved them.

Whatever is holding you back from throwing yourself into His arms and letting Him love you, stop that thing, and spend time with Him. The season will come when you will be able to read Scripture again or go to church again without the negative feelings you have now, but give yourself time. This might be the first step in breaking free from fear-based faith so you can reconstruct your faith and reclaim your peace.

Thanks for reading! Please, share insights that you may have on this topic or a way that you have found healing from spiritual abuse or church hurt.