When Belonging Comes with Rules: The Hidden Loneliness of Conservative Churches
I used to wonder if it was just me.
Why did I feel so out of place in a church that preached community?
Why did friendships feel so surface-level, and why did I always feel like I was on the outside looking in?
Later, I would read a study for my dissertation that put it all into words: the isolation I experienced wasn’t unique—it was part of how women are socialized in many conservative churches.
As I read, I was amazed—everything I had personally lived through in my own church was laid out so clearly in black and white.
Let’s reminisce for a moment.
I remember feeling like I didn’t fit in. My friends said the same thing. We all believed we were on the outside of the circle. The problem?
No one was actually inside the social circle because this feeling of not belonging kept all of us trying to fit in by following the illusive rules.
While some rules were clearly stated, others only became rules once they were broken. When women talked, our conversations stayed on the surface. We never discussed anything with depth. Instead, we discussed topics like food, kids, homeschooling frustrations, and the latest conservative parenting book. But we never went to the deeper places where women usually connect.
Emotions? No one dared.
Relationships? That’s gossip.
The inner world? If I let them in, they would see I was not as “holy” as they were.
The study I mentioned revealed that conservative churches create a social setting where new women feel like outsiders. But here’s the irony: everyone felt like outsiders.
My family attended this church for eleven years, yet I didn’t feel close to anyone—until the day my husband died. As I write this, I realize that day was the first day they saw more of the real me.
No Real Friends
Entering a church like this is stressful. You feel like you don’t belong, yet you’re expected to give up outside friendships. Every church service and function must be attended. If you miss, you’ll either remain on the fringes of the social structure and will likely receive scathing letters urging you to get back in line.
If a family event conflicts with a church function, the expectation is clear: the church function takes priority. No ifs, ands, or buts. Because of this, studies show that many individuals in these faith communities struggle with positive relationships outside of the church—especially women.
Men often have friends outside the church. Why? Because in patriarchal structures, men get to make their own choices. More often than not, church leaders back them up. Additionally, men are less likely to fully comply with the church’s rigid rules, so they usually don’t understand what their wives are going through.
Women, on the other hand, are to remain at home with the kids because obscure verses like the strange woman’s feet do not abide in her house, are stretched to mean that anyone who socializes outside of their home is a questionable woman.
However, women need friendships outside of their husbands. This is coming from a woman whose best friend for more than 20 years was my husband! It’s vital for her and for him. Listening to and holding all of my things was sometimes taxing for my wonderful husband. Yet, in these circles, the message is clear: having another woman as a best friend is unacceptable.
But here’s a secret: Humans are so complex that they need more than one person to meet all of their social needs.
Men typically don’t have the same emotional needs for deep conversation as women.
Women need a safe space to process their feelings and share their inner thoughts with trusted friends.
Sometimes, men do not want to listen as much as they need someone to listen.
Early in our attendance at this church, I remember being invited to someone’s home for dinner. This seemed like someone I could be friends with, so I asked if she’d like to meet for lunch. The moment I asked, I felt her freeze. I knew then that meeting for lunch with another woman was not allowed at this church.
It would be over fifteen years before I asked a friend to lunch or coffee again.
In these church settings, women may spend time together at church events or when families gather, but deep, close friendships are only for those who will never be part of the conservative church's inner social circle.
Women are isolated from the outside world, and the inside world is a minefield full of unspoken rules.
What’s a Girl to Do?
Great question. What IS a girl to do?
Studies show that women in these restrictive church environments often experience depression, anxiety, loneliness, and even thoughts of self-harm. If that’s you, hear this:
It doesn’t have to be this way.
Don’t wait until you’re at a point when you can’t find a reason to live to say, “I’ve had enough.”
Find someone who you can confide in. But let’s be clear that this may not be the women at church. Conservative churches are full of women who will run straight to the pastor to tell what you have said. I don’t want you to be the next topic of an angry sermon or email to your husband.
Who were your friends before the conservative church? If your answer is “I can’t remember.” You’re in a dangerous place. A mental health professional can help, but again, be careful to find someone outside of the confines of the conservative church so that you can share freely while remaining safe. ‘
Did you know having a best friend is a positive concept found in scripture?
Think of David and Jonathan. Jesus and John.
They were close friends. And before anyone objects, saying, “But they were men,” let’s remember—**they were human.** All humans need friends.
You are Worthy of LOVE and Friendship
If you come from a church like this, you may struggle this concept, and finding a place to find friends may be difficult. I have walked in these circles. I know what it is like. Still you need friends. However, finding a safe social circle can be tricky when you belong to a church like this.
The woman who is not allowed in the social circle may be a great friend. She probably won’t run to the pastor with your words, but nevertheless, be careful.
And hear me on this: You are worthy of love. I wish I was sitting across the table from you with a cup of coffee, able to look you in the eye and tell you this! You are worthy of friendship.
God made you exactly as you are. He loves the ways that you are different from everyone else. Everything God makes is worthy of love. Sit with that for a while. **Let it sink in. You are valuable. God sent His Son to die for you. That means you matter.
Opportunity to be Part of an Online Community
I have been considering creating a group for women who have been in conservative churches, an online safe space where women have a place to get to know other women and find love and support. However, I need to know there is enough interest before working to create it.
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